Self examination

Thursday, March 18th., Cadogan Square, London.

Two good sleeps last night. One of four and a quarter hours. Felt quite rested this morning and did some deep breathing and stretching exercises as Holden recommended. My shoulders were a bit stiff after yesterday's exertions and this helped. I am trying to get some sort of exercise each day. Seems to be helping me feel more relaxed in mind and body. Walked down to the river late morning and then along the Chelsea Embankment and back via King's Road. Fairly mild though grey. Daffodils appearing here and there which is a good sign.
 

Got to thinking about self-indulgence and self-denial. I don't know why. It occured to me (I don't know why I haven't thought this before) that both are rewarding, but in different ways. Suppose one had just finished a good meal, felt satisfied, and were then offered a sweet treat such as a chocolate; would there be more reward in indulgence or denial? Alternatively, if one were hungry, having been deprived food for a period, indulgence would seem likely and in fact would not seem to be indulgence at all. But wouldn't self-denial in that situation be even more rewarding if one were inclined in that direction? I should think that either, but especially self-denial, can be addictive particularly if some moral value can be attached. Hence the ascetics who crop up from time to time throughout history.

I suppose that there is a sort of continuum and we all fall somewhere along it, in the sense of our characteristic response. Obviously we all are able to self-indulge or self-deny to extreme on occasion. For myself, I think I tend towards the self-indulgent, though I have detected some movement towards self-denial as I have grown older, especially where alcohol is concerned. I think that as one ages one becomes more bodily aware, less reilient, and less likely to over-indulge, knowing what the consequences will be. I became quite engrossed in these thoughts, and hardly noticed my walking at all.