Sunday, December 26th., George Street, London.
Two thoroughly
bad nights, full of the church clock. Still I wrote over 4,000 words of
my novel in 3 days, with lots of preoccupations, almost all to do with
my wife. How altered time appears to be at night. I never sleep through the night but usually go more or less straight back to sleep after the necessary visit. I always manage without putting on a light and try my best not to reach full consciousness at all. After several years of practice I am quite adept. But, occasionally, I find myself unable to get back to sleep. I have tried all the normal strategies and sometimes they work. If all else fails I surrender to wakefulness and read for an hour or so. That almost invariably does the trick.
I shall have to
have it out with Marguerite soon. She likes to pretend that I am jealous of
Legros. It flatters her to think so. But it is not true. I am incapable
of being jealous, probably because I should regard a woman capable of
doing anything deserving jealousy as not worth being jealous about. She seems to be infatuated with the man. He is a personable young fellow in his way and pays her much attention. She is clearly flattered and no doubt feels a boost to be admired by a younger man. I would feel the same myself if admired by a young woman. But I hope I would retain the good sense and dignity to recognise the situation for what it is. Regrettably Marguerite appears not to possess the requisite good sense. I have been hoping that she would wake up, but instead things are getting worse.
As
for presents at Christmas, it seems that she does not agree with me that
present-giving should be not a duty but a pleasure. To give to one whose
behaviour is constantly wounding, as Marguerite's is to me, is not a
very keen pleasure. When she realises what is due to me, and acts
accordingly, she will not go short of presents. I am confident that my will is the stronger. Of course, if she allows the infatuation to go too far then I will have to act. I fear there may be further broken nights ahead.
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