Children

Sunday, April 1st., Comarques, Thorpe-le-Soken.

The problem of Richard has reared its head again. It seems now that there will be an interval between the end of his O.T.C. camp and resumption of school. I have decided that he should spend the time here with me. Marguerite will in any case be away in France but she has so set her face against Richard that she does not want him in the house even when she is not there. Well, she will have to not want. I will do what I think right. I have spent too much time and mental energy on trying to accommodate her moods and whims.

The irony of the whole business is that it was Marguerite who wanted to adopt Richard in the first place. As in everything, once she had the idea in her head she went to the extreme and would see no sense. I gave way. I regret it now. I told her at the time it was a mistake, that he was too old, too sensitive, and obstinate. I could not say I was surprised when the final split between them occured. Only a trivial matter superficially but the temperamental clash is deep. Of course Richard could smooth things over, but why should he? He has no interest or investment in the relationship. I don't blame him.

I think a lot of the problem is cultural. I remember when Marguerite first met my sisters she found them to be 'stand-offish'. But that is the way in the Potteries, the people there don't make a habit of hugging and kissing each other. Marguerite understands this intellectually, but emotionally it is an affront and in any contest between intellect and emotion for a Frenchwoman there is no doubt which will be victorious. She thought that Richard would fall into the role of loving son, but he has not, and there was never any prospect that he would.

I wonder if childlessness has soured Marguerite? She is 46 now and seemingly reconciled but I know she would have liked children of her own. I have always been against it, and that is perhaps the only aspect of our lives together where my wishes have consistently prevailed. Apart from the demands of parenthood I felt anxious about our heredity. There are examples of insanity in her family, and 'softening of the brain' in mine. What sort of children would we have made? I feel it was the right course to take and to stick to, but I cannot ignore the effect it has had on Marguerite's personality.