A bit upset

Tuesday, October 31st., Fulham Park Gardens, London.


Mr. and Mrs. Phillpotts and I walked down into Torquay. Mild, with flowers blooming everywhere. It seemed to me to be a place of retired military officers, rich and stiff dowagers, and spoiled overfed dogs led about by servant maids. Phillpotts said that for its size, it was the second richest place in England, and I can believe it. Tunbridge Wells is first. There were scarcely any poor. Nearly every house stood in its own garden. There were very few children as the inhabitants were mainly retired and old. Also, but few young men. I felt quite a youth again! If a young man above the tradesman's class grew up in Torquay, he could not stay there, because there was nothing for him to do. The whole town consisted of rich households and the people who fed them and waited on them.

I left Torquay in the afternoon for London. At Exeter I heard of the British defeat in the Transvaal. It was at a place called Nicholson's Nek (sic), somewhere near Ladysmith. Strange effect as if I personally had been defeated, a real emotional response, and yet I can see no sense in this war with the Boers at all. Why are we fighting the Boers? I have no idea. Cynically I presume that there are financial interests at stake and that soldiers on both sides are being sacrificed for the enrichment of persons in positions of power/influence in the colony. Same applies in India and elsewhere. What is the point of this Imperial project? Beats me. And yet I felt diminished by the news.

I must say that I am glad to be back home. I have written belatedly to May Beardmore at Porthill to congratulate her on her 21st birthday. Now I will settle back down to my work, and writing and playing music with Dr. Farrar. Speaking of work, I am consumed with a fever just now to chuck up women's journalism utterly, and go in for fiction and criticism only. No doubt the spell with Phillpotts, who is doing very well for himself, has had its effect. I could do it if I had the pluck of a louse; but having got used to a comparatively expensive way of living I haven't the courage to make the necessary sacrifice. Nevertheless I swear that I will get out of that damned office inside two years or shoot myself. I always keep my oaths!