Fearing the worst

Thursday, March 1st., 75 Cadogan Square, London.

I dined with Beaverbrook at the Vineyard, Fulham. He has given up his office on the top floor of the Express building. Nobody but me and Max. We grew rather intimate again. He said that I seemed not quite myself. He is right. I felt able to share some thoughts about why I am feeling the way I am at present. I think it has done me some good. At any rate I have written a letter to Dorothy in France to clear up a few things between us. I have been feeling very 'flat' lately, which is what Max recognised. Not depressed. Just lacking in any cheeriness, good humour, optimism .... that sort of thing.

I told Dorothy in my letter that she has a general tendency to exaggerate troubles and inconveniences, and that she still has a lot to learn about human relations. She asked me, quite seriously, before she departed why I'm not the same bright thing at home that I am in company. I really marvel at the question and told her so in my letter. I am not for the same reason that she is not, and that everybody is not; it would be absurd even if possible. Then there was the recent incident with Miss Nerney. I was staggered at the scene she made with Miss N. over something so trifling that I cannot even recall it. It was all because D. was in a temper. Now Miss N. has her faults, as do we all, but she has much common sense, is completely devoted and trustworthy and faithful. Frankly I would be lost without her. The way D. spoke to her was extremely painful to me and Miss N. was upset for days. There was no justification for it, and I have told her so. Regrettably I am put in mind of the letters I used to write to Marguerite when she behaved badly. I always feel that to write things down, soberly, is so much better than getting embroiled in argument with its attendant blame. Of course it never works, not with women. I can be sure that at some time in the future, when we are arguing, D. will quote extensively from my letter to demonstrate just how 'inconsistent' I am. I fear the worst.
 
I stayed talking to Max until 11.53, and arranged to go down to Cherkley on Sunday for the night. I think I will look forward to that.