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Friday 22 September 2017

Fluctuating feelings

Thursday, September 22nd., Villa des Nefliers

Finished draft of play.

Day of mild unpleasantness. The review of "Clayhanger" in the Manchester Guardian, though good, was not as good as I had expected. I expected the eager sympathy of G.H.Mair and Co.! The review was signed by strange initials ending in Y. Moreover it was placed after a review of M. Hewlett by Dixon Scott. Now if they had given my book to Dixon Scott. Further the johnny deprived me almost utterly of the sense of humour and of the sense of beauty - especially in comparison with de Morgan and Wells. I try to be phlegmatic about the reception of my novels but it is hard. I imagine it must be similar if you have a child - you love them and are proud of them, which you tell yourself is all that matters, but really you want them to be appreciated and praised by others; it's a sort of external validation of identity.

En voila une affaire!

A couple of years ago I said enthusiastically that if "Cupid and Commonsense" was produced in Hanley it would play to £500 a week. Today I got the figures for the three performances in Hanley. Total £75 13s. 10d.

Also I made a mess of another watercolour. Hence depression, though my affairs are prospering as they never prospered before. Which shows how little content has to do with prosperity. That said, I think it undoubtedly true that for most people financial security is an essential foundation for contentment. I think back to earlier times when I was living more or less hand to mouth and remember the disturbed sleep and gnawing anxiety.

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