Mixed feelings

Tuesday, September 21st., Eltham, Torquay.

I have been at Cherkley Court, Beaverbrook's home, for a few days. Enjoyed myself in a general way. Got on well with Noel Coward though he has difficulty behaving "normally"; in fact I'm not sure that he really knows what his real self is. Maybe that is true of all of us in company, but some extrovert characters demonstrate it more than others. Am I myself in company? I would like to think so, particularly as I get older. What on earth is to be gained from pretence? Certainly not the admiration of others - if there is one thing most people are good at it is seeing through pretention.

So today I left home at 11.30 and caught the noon express to Torquay. Not sorry to get away - home can be a very trying place when one has to share it with others. Looking back I think that I have been at my most contented when living alone. Should I go back to it now? Probably not. Largely because I can't face the furore, but also because I have made my bed and should lie in it. And there are benefits to sharing one's life, though it is easy to lose sight of them when nerves are strained.

Shared a compartment with two middle-aged gentlemen with outdoor faces, about which I propose to write an article. I had been rather gloomy and preoccupied before, but as soon as I had written down the notes for the short article I felt better.

It was Emily Philpotts who met me at the station to my great surprise. Adelaide was rather quieter than usual, but had little bursts of talking. I sometimes wonder about the relationship between her and her father. Eden is very possessive of her, often to the exclusion of Emily. Adelaide is 30 now and unmarried. Some hints from Emily suggest to me that Eden has discouraged suitors, and is very jealous of men who take a personal interest in Adelaide. I can't say that there is anything inappropriate to my knowledge but we authors tend to observe things, and attach meaning, which others would miss. In any case we had a tremendous literary and social pow-wow, just as usual, interrupted by a view of the garden. This pow-wow went on from 4 to 7 without a break, and it will certainly be continued tonight.