Tuesday, December 8th., Rue de Calais, Paris.
I succeeded far beyond my hopes in planning out "A Great Man" yesterday, and in making a detailed sketch of the first chapter. I was, however, and I remain, extremely dissatisfied and discontented with my general condition. I suppose I shall always be more or less like this. I cannot think of any device or policy by which I could change my condition with any prospect of improvement. I want to be free and fettered at the same time, and it cannot be done.
I often find myself daydreaming, when I am out walking and when I am settling for an afternoon nap. And more often than not the dreams are of a sexual nature. I am inclined to think there is an element of sexual frustration in my dissatisfaction. Of course I can easily satisfy my physical needs here; where better? But I feel the need for a relationship that is both sexually satisfying and emotionally fulfilling. I have vowed to marry before I am forty, and still intend to, yet I have still to meet a woman who would suit me. Perhaps one of these days I will fall in love? Strange to think that my future wife is out there somewhere; perhaps we have already passed each other in a street, or sat near each other in a restaurant. Speculations and dreams!
I read the first act of "Othello" last night and it did me good which probably goes to show that there is nothing fundamentally 'wrong' with me. Perhaps I am spending too much time observing life rather than participating in it?
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