An anxious day

Sunday, March 20th., Cadogan Square, London.

The nurse for Dorothy's operation was here about 8 o'clock, and soon Dorothy's bedroom was transformed into an operating room.

I walked for about 40 minutes. Beautiful Spring-like day. Positive warmth in the sun. People noticeably more cheerful in consequence. Saw Dorothy when I got back and began to write my chapter at noon precisely. I wrote about 750 words. Saw Dorothy again and then at intervals I wrote more words. Nurse had been sitting in the drawing-room and elsewhere for a change.  When she returned to the bedroom I returned to my study, and finished my chapter and counted the words. I had written a complete chapter of 1,700 words and was fairly assuaged and content.

Then I went and had my own dinner and drank some Burgundy, and read Sinclair Lewis's "Elmer Gantry", which is acutely alive and readable. Then I saw Dorothy again and came downstairs and had half of one of my new Partaga Cigars. I saw Dorothy again previous to her being arranged for the night. I came back to my study and finished my cigar and read more of "Elmer Gantry". Finally I got to bed by 11 p.m. but with the expectancy of a disturbed night. I didn't spend one penny of petty cash all day. It was a satisfactory day considering all the circumstances, and I had done a day's work sufficient for even an absolutely free day.

I was indisputably on edge because of the operation but wouldn't admit it to myself until I got to bed. How strange the mind is and how little control we have over it even when we pride ourselves on self-discipline. My sense is that we are essentially emotional animals who have evolved large brains where rational thought takes place; but under stress our more primitive nature comes to the fore and ideas enter consciousness which would be abhorrent ordinarily. For example I found myself thinking yesterday afternoon, in a sort of semi-waking state after my nap, that if Dorothy were to die as a result of the operation how my life would be transformed, and the thought gave me pleasure. No use denying it!